My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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