we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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