Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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