Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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