I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
