Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
