just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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