We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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