I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
