i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
