***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
