This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
