Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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