my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize