update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
