This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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