Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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