You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Randomize
