Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
