five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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