why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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