Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
