All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You pole danced in your parka.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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