the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
