Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
