He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
