Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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