On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
