I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
