i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
