My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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