I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
