Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He passed out mid-signature
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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