I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
