Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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