I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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