Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
