I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
