my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
