Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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