cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize