my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
