He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
