The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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