that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You were trust falling into bushes
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
