You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
