have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
