I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize