apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize