am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
