I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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