I wish I could teleport
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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