This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
