Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
