swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
