PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
