It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
