I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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