rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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