My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
