She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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